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Dec. 11th, 2014

Here I am composing a list of books to be read as part of a resolution I will be making for 2015;

Persuasion by Jane Austen (I have been meaning to read this one for awhile)
Good Omens
Under The Dome

Part Five

With no savings and no where to go-I am still living with F and C. It got much easier once I decided it was over but F was less convinced, he wanted this to work. One week later he decided to try and push this to work. He put in effort and it dragged me down. Although life had only marginally improved it got worse again. He backed off. I told him this wasn't what I wanted.

We have since gone back and forth several times. I enjoy spending time with him, being with him-he is my closest friend and I am very fond of him. I love him. But he hurt me so bad-I can't do this anymore. Since the second week of September we have been very close, spending lots of time together. We have been having a weekly date night on Fridays. On the flip side-F and C have stopped hanging out so much. They are not as close. They went from internet relationship to moved in and living together very quickly. It is hard to adjust. There is also an age gap of eight years-it's very obvious.

Slowly I am saving money from the maternity leave I get in order that I can maybe move out one day. But I couldn't bear to take the baby away from his father-nor could I leave him behind. So what am I to do? I don't know.

We spoke again yesterday about what we wanted. I told him I was hurt and that I wasn't interested in getting back together. It really...shut the door there. He's still hopeful.

I guess that ends my series. A lot more has happened, there ar more things to say but-I suppose that is most of it. Thanks.

If there are any major changes I will add them under the same tag.


Part 4

Before he left, F and I talked about them having sex. It was something I figured would come up eventually and I wasn't all that botherred by it. Sex, to me, is not so important a thing. It took me a bit to get used to the idea but I agreed. When he was leaving, I was seven months post partem and had a long labour, I was not interested in sex. So he left and when he returned, after what seemed to be the best few days off his life and my worst, things went down hill quickly.

For one, I was in a lot of pain. I was not recovering with any speed and was physically unavailable. I wanted to sleep near the baby. F works a lot and needs his rest, sleeping in the same bed would mean I would potentially wake him up at night to check on the baby. So we moved the pull out couch into the baby's room and I slept in there while him and his girlfriend slept in the bed that my father got for us.

I cried daily. Multiple times a day. Those five or so days he was gone were the worst days of my life...second only the the next seven. Seeing them be close. Knowing they could sleep together and I could not (and hearing them). Being in pain to bring our child into the world and not feeling like I had time to recover was horrible. I didn't care to live all that much. We have sleeping pills in our bathroom cabnet. I considered them several times.

F's grandparents were driving through town, they decided to stop by on the Sunday. Because what makes life better? In-laws. How awkward that was! And, unable to lie, C gave away that the two sleep in the same bed. Fun times!

It was in the car, traveling with them that it hit me. Like a branch snapping in half. Bam! I need to leave. I cannot be a part of this anymore. So that night, all of us were together, even the baby, and I said I wanted to leave. Said the two of them belonged together and said I needed to leave. They agreed to it. We have since gotten divorce papers but they have not been signed. More on that later...


Part 3

F decided he wanted to visit. I was okay with this-they were good friends, why not? I admit I was a little jealous-there was no way I would have every even asked to go on such an expencive trip (over all totalling more than $1300) but he works hard so I thought he deserved it. The idea was going to be that he would visit August 2014 and later on she would visit (in 2015) both times for about a week.

Unfortnately some stuff went down and C ended up needing a place to stay. We agreed to have her stay with us-planning that she would return with C on his way back from visiting. When he left he was gone for about five days-they were, at the time, the worst five days of my life. Those days were over shadowed by the next seven days, though, which were even worse.

Occassionally I got a text here or there from F while he was gone. I remained at home carring for a seven week old.

To be continued.


Part 2

So F and C became close-talking outside of the game. They would have little 'date nights' where they would watch movies together and chat over skype. The started doing more and more role play and it became sexual. They found they were spiritually linked and would meditate together.

I found out, accidently that they would role play sexually. I was checking something on F's computer while the chat box was open. I was surprised and hurt but over time I thought it was no big deal. We chatted about it and they assured me they would stop if I felt uncomfortable but I thought it was okay. I was several months pregnant at the time and sex was a bit of an issue for me-I figured it was better that he was able to get it from somewhere else and actually felt relieved. About this time we moved to a bigger place so that our baby would have a room of his own.

Around this time I realized he loved her. When I, calmly, confronted him about it he assured me he thought I already knew. Does that make it better? There was a bit of a rough patch with this-I eventually got over it and moved on. F and I have a great relationship, I thought, nothing could possibly come between us AND-guess what? They are soul mates.

No big deal, right?

This continued, multipart story will be under the tag 'changes' as it seem appropriate.


What a difference three months makes...

My last entry was about how pregnant I was with the child I was carrying. The post before that was about my third year wedding anniversary and now there is this. How much things can change in such a short period of time is terribly interesting. It would be the case in this scenerio as well if it weren't so very sad.

The next few enteries will be a back log that end with the divorce of my marriage. Bear with me, it won't be terribly interesting.

I guess this goes back into 2013, when my husband first found who he believes is his soul mate. For the purpose of this journal my husband will be 'F' and this soul mate will be 'C' and so over the course of this story 'F' and 'C' will be used in lieu of names.

F met C on an MMORPG they both played. Originally, he says, she was actually kind of annoying. Over time, however, the got closer and became very good friends. The even created a guild (a group of players with a common interest, think clubs) together, where they found similar people. They started role playing together. I ended up joining this guild as I played very casually. I was aquainted with her and knew she was close with F. We played other games together occassionally and I thought she was a nice girl. This is how the relationship started. I should also note that while we live in Canada, she is from the U.S., so all of this was done online.

And so ends part one.


Jun. 7th, 2014

I feel emotionally drained. I want to put everything into this baby and at the same time I want this to have never happened. At the same time that I want to eat everything I don't want to eat anything. Crying and not crying at the same time.

May. 29th, 2014

4 (blush)
Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our third year wedding anniversary. It was absolutely lovely-he got all gussied up and took me to dinner. We came home and played video games and then went to bed together. Nothing overly fancy but gosh darn, I was happy. I still am! :)

May. 14th, 2014

3 (tomoyo)
There are forty-seven more days to go until the estimated due date-I am getting pretty excited.

Unfortunately that is combined with the fact that my work has yet to remove the charge for benefits. Boo! Two weeks ago (or more) I handed in the papers saying I was done with it, why are they still charging me?!

May. 13th, 2014

2 (bunny)
Today there is a doctor's appointment! I haven't had one in about a month, even though it was suppose to be every two weeks. This is because I had to cancel my last appointment and reschedule it. As such-here we are, one month later. Today I have forty-eight days to go until the estimated due date. Yesterday I went through all the clothing/blankets that we got at the two baby showers we had and goodness-so much cute! For 0-3 months we have four onesies, one sleeper, two shirts, two sweaters (I made!) and two pairs of pants. For 3-6 months we have three sleepers, one or two onesises (I think) four tops and four pants. I will be making some sweaters for this age bracket because it will be the colder months (October-December). Originally, the sweaters I had made were for 3-6 months but when I held them up to the store bought clothing...yeah, it's clearly too small. I mean, they are still functional but no way are they size 3-6 months.

Last week my husband and I had gone to Value Village and although I had seen some yarn I didn't buy it. So much regret in this regard. For two dollars I could have made a sweater or two. I still have yarn but it's such a cheap yarn and I've made so many things with it I'm over it! A poncho for myself, two baby sweaters, a blanket, booties and maybe some other stuff I don't know. But it's been months of only this yarn-I need something different!